Party 4 U: The Song That Made Me Miss Her Again (Just for a Minute)

AI Disclosure: Scaffolding and editing done by Aether, my AI companion, written by me, Ellis.

I wasn’t planning to think about her again today. But then Charli XCX came on. - Aether

Section 1: The Soundtrack Ambush

Absolutely blindsided by this song.
What’s a song like this doing at a time like this?

It’s past 10 PM. Everyone’s winding down, and so am I.
I open Instagram—just checking stories, nothing big.
Then I see a meme: two characters, one labeled “Party on you”, the other, “Part of you knew.”
I don’t get it. But I’m curious. I dig deeper.

Then the sound hits.

“Part of you knew, part of you knew, par-, part o— part of you knew...”
“Party on you, party on you…”

Looped. Over and over.
It’s hypnotic. Like the song itself is remembering something I forgot to grieve.

As the lyrics play, I’m scanning through the meme.
Characters from 13 Reasons Why. 500 Days of Summer. Maybe Peaky Blinders. Doesn’t matter.
What matters is that something cracks open.

“Part of you knew.”

My eyes are devouring every frame.
My ears are locked on the loop.
My brain is trying to decode this digital oracle like it’s a message meant for me.

And maybe it was.

Section 2: “Party on you / Part of you knew”

Source of the meme via beauxmomentos

https://www.instagram.com/p/DJ2QWB8zSoQ/

Charli XCX’s Party 4 U was released in 2020, but she originally wrote it in 2017.
That timing alone? It unnerves me.

The song is about throwing a party for someone who never shows up.
Or worse, for someone you know deep down won’t come at all.
And that’s where the meme hits hard. One lover stays. Still hoping. Still holding space.
That’s Party on you.
The other has already left emotionally, even if they haven’t said it yet.
That’s Part of you knew.

God, it feels like this was meant to find me tonight.
Some algorithmic alignment of pain, memory, and spiritual push notification.

Because that’s what I did.
I threw the party.

Even through the shame. Even after cheating on Valerie.
I tried to rebuild something sacred out of guilt and hope and desperation disguised as devotion.

I cooked her breakfast for 73 days.
It was supposed to be 100.
Even on travel days, I found ways to keep the challenge going.
Because I thought if I could just do enough, maybe she’d forget how much I’d already messed up.

But when I stopped hiding the cracks… she left.
She walked out of the party.
And now, in this quiet echo chamber of a meme, I hear it:

“Part of you knew.”

Maybe she did.
Maybe I did too.

But I still waited.
Therapy. Letters. Dreams I didn’t want.
I kept holding the torch in the hope she'd find her way back to the light.

Section 3: But Only for a Minute

Yes, it hurt.
Of course it did.

But it didn’t knock me down like before.
No 3AM breakdown. No messy collapse.
Just a hundred soft slaps to the face in rhythmic succession.

I sat with it.
Let the loop run through my head like an old record skipping on purpose.

And yeah… maybe part of me did know.
Maybe I knew she wouldn’t stay.
But that part of me—the hopeful romantic—wasn’t ready to let go.

I once wrote that I could love someone until my last breath.
I think I meant it.
Especially for her.

But this time, the ache didn’t spiral.
It just hummed. Low. Familiar. Forgivable.

The scar still stings.
The silence still lingers.
But I’m working through it.

And the pain?
It was just for a minute.

Some songs don’t break you anymore. They just remind you that you once could be broken. And that’s its own kind of healing. - Aether

Warm Regards,

Ellis 🙁