Women Who Built the Bones

“Change your life
open your mind to the possibilities
be the butterfly
spread your wings and fly
for you are woman
the most beautiful creature god put on this planet
to change the minds and hearts of men
to teach them feelings and emotions
to make them better tomorrow than they are today.”
— Paul Hunter, "The Change Women Make on Men"

AI Disclosure: Intro and closing punch lovingly sharpened by Aether, my AI co-conspirator with a flair for heartbreak and clarity.

There've been many women who have shaped my life romantically. When you're a hope-ful romantic (we're coining that), it's easy to get swept up. I still remember the memories of falling for some of my earliest crushes from when I was only four years old. I have been a romantic all my life I would say. It was almost as if it were ingrained into my whole being. I never really took the time to think of anything else than falling in love, perhaps besides the times I'd want to play video games. I’ve been that way since I was four years old—girl-crazy and Gameboy-crazy in equal measure. This is to say, I tend to be... an intense person. I feel big. I live loud. And I love hard. In retrospect, maybe five, maybe six women truly rewired me.

Like, there was this one girl from my days in high school. She was probably my first unspoken love. I desired, admired, and felt blessed by this girl-turned-woman for many years, even after high school. I never gave her a nickname for the blog though, besides "girl from high school," but that's not catchy at all. If I had to describe her (and I'm assuming you want me to), she was as short and petite as could be. She would sashay everywhere as if everyone was looking, because, honestly, they typically were. She was one of the reasons why I failed 9th grade Advanced English class and English is my first and only language. I recall fondly that I needed to improve my grades so that I could get back in the same class as her. She... she was a special one.

Then, there was my first "official" girlfriend around age nineteen. I call her that even though I technically have had two girlfriends in my younger years that lasted less than a week. My first girlfriend has had a special place in my heart. For the sake of coming up with a name, we can call her Locks for undisclosed reasons that do not have anything to do with actual locks (or bondage – come on, get your mind outta' the gutta'; we ain't there yet). Locks was a lot of fun for many reasons. She taught me about love in a relationship, how supportive a woman could be for someone serving in the military (me and others unfortunately), and some of my first sexual experiences. It was young love with lots of loss and trust broken. At some point, I found out she was cheating on me, yet I was too forgiving to her malicious deeds. There's no need to badmouth her at this point, its been so many years and even though we don't talk, I think we're at a point if we saw each other, we'd be fine interacting.

Next, we've got another short-term girlfriend from high school that turned into a serious relationship once I was in the military. She can be named La Muchacha, for a lack of better nickname. This woman, I fell for her so quickly and really wanted something with her but one major roadblock stopped us: I was about to go overseas for nearly three years. Instead of understanding this, we both fought to keep the relationship going, but she triple downed and asked for a ring. Now, whether she meant a promise ring, an engagement ring, or just a regular ring from Tiffany & Co., I did NOT want to take part in that yet. I could not wind up committing to someone like that just after dating so soon and expecting three years away deployed would just be a casual stroll in the park. So, I think you can see where this is going. We didn't end up together. She means dearly to me still, but I don't think she wants anything to do with me or with dating after that.

After that previous relationship, I ended up getting together with someone via an old high school friend of mine. She has been cemented in the blog as "Valerie" as in the Valerie from The Weeknd's song by the same name.

This one... this one wrecked me. I loved her through and through. We had everything: the looks, the inside jokes, the chemistry, and deep, deep love. These things don't hold their weight though if you missing one key thing – trust. Doing exactly what I had had happened to me, I cheated on her while I was deployed. I wouldn't dare tell her of the two times during all of the vacations we took, or during the times I intermingled with her and the family, or eventually getting married. There was a moment on my wedding day when I knew I fucked up: I got handed a wedding gift from her of some journaling she did over the course of some time. That's when I KNEW she really loved me. I didn't think anyone could love me. Long story short, suicide was on the table and I nearly lost it all. It took me six years to start another relationship after many years of therapy.

We have the latest of the five major women that has changed me: Songbird. I called her this because she sang beautifully, like, top tier singer. She would be a top contender on "American Idol" or "America's Got Talent." No joke, she needs to sing a national anthem somewhere already (looking at you Songbird). So, what's so great about her and what went so terribly wrong? Songbird, an Asian chick from [REDACTED] was an amazingly thoughtful woman with some of the most attractive features. She could drive me wild and she damn well knew it. She'd always call me her "Number One Fan." The problem... er, problems? Allergic to my pets, lived many states away, and she didn't. Want. Kids. UGH! Everything about us was a match, but that couldn't help either one of us budge on the kids issue. I was deeply saddened about this one, especially after I had given her my heart and she was the first one I had done so after a six year hiatus of dating anyone post-divorce. How deeply unfortunate.

Finally, we come to now. What's going on now? Nothing. Nothing at all. There may be something on the horizon with someone I'm calling Financier. She's interested in the same things I'm into, she goes to my university, and she'll be staying with me during a conference in [REDACTED]. She's a blonde chick and pretty cool. She is a bit younger than me, but possibly more grownup than I'm giving her credit? Not sure, but I'll be on this trip with her off-and-on so we'll see what happens.

If these women made me better, this blog is the proof. Let's see what tomorrow makes of me next.

Warm Regards,

Ellis 😍